This week, in our next step in the Purposeful Living program with Bianca van Wyk, we are focusing on approval seeking and how it affects our lives.
Bianca says that “approval seeking generally has an impact on our lives and whether we achieve success… because often we end up spending way too much time and energy to win other people’s approval and being concerned with some level of disapproval that we may or may not encounter.”
Bianca says that there is a lot of work to be done for those who need approval and says we will be focusing on three different concepts this week: 1) why you don’t need anyone’s approval; 2) what typical approval seeking behaviour is; and 3) strategies to eliminate approval seeking as a need
“Begin to understand that approval seeking is a desire, not a necessity.”
Approval seeking as a need
“We all enjoy applause and that is perfectly fine,” says Bianca. “We enjoy compliments and praise and it feels good when [our egos are] stroked.
“Who would want to give this up? Obviously none of us do.”
There’s no need to actually give up that kind of approval that you enjoy. Bianca shows us that approval seeking is quite satisfying, but also that it becomes a problem when you need your fix.
“If you want approval, you are simply happy to have the endorsements from other people. But if you need it, you are going to collapse if you don’t get it. And that’s when self-destructive forces move in,” according to our trusty life coach.
“Similarly, you give up a chunk of yourself to the other person, whose advocacy you must have. If they disapprove, you’re immobilised.
“You’ve chosen to wear your self-worth on your sleeve for someone else to have an impact on. And that’s what you need to focus on because it gets in your way and you don’t get what you want.”
Typical approval seeking behaviour
Bianca diverts our attention to the kind of behaviour that is indicative of somebody that’s seeking approval from others in an unhealthy fashion.
For example, people change their beliefs and positions on certain issues because of someone’s disapproval, like one may find in a family environment with people who have differing political opinions.
Sugarcoating statements to avoid a reaction of displeasure is another example of approval seeking behaviour.
“We don’t want the other person to get upset,” Bianca says. “So we rather smooth it over and don’t actually say what we mean in situations like that.”
She takes us through a few more examples, but I found being non-conformist to be an odd one – the idea being that this is a form of behaviour that is often a cry for attention, and therefore, a different form of approval.
So why do we do it?
“We know we need to change it and we need to identify what causes it,” Bianca continues. “The payoffs from approval seeking are:
“I’m placing my responsibility for my feelings on you. So if you don’t give me the approval I need, and I feel lousy or hurt or depressed. Whatever’s happening, it’s your fault that I feel that way.
“If I place responsibility on you for how I feel, I don’t need to change and it helps me to avoid change at all costs. And with that comes the fact that I don;t have to take any risks.”
Bianca describes these as “neurotic payoffs” that are “strikingly similar to the rewards for self-hate.”
“Without all of the fancy diagnostic language, it’s just plain easier, more familiar and less risk to hang onto neurotic behaviours.”
Strategies to eliminate approval seeking as a need
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“We need to start with labelling disapproval with new responses that begin with the word ‘you’. For example, you’re in a conversation with your father and you can see that he’s disagreeing with you and getting angrier. Rather than shifting or defending yourself, simply respond with “you’re getting upset” or “you think that I shouldn’t feel the way I do” – this will keep you in touch with the fact that disapproval belongs to him and not to you.”
Bianca says “the YOU strategy is an amazing technique that yields incredible results if you master the technique”, before moving onto the next point about manipulation.
“If you think someone’s trying to manipulate you, which often happens, they do this by withholding approval, then you need to start saying so.”
So instead of turning wishy washy to achieve some approval benefits, you should say out loud that generally you’ll shift your position now to get that person to like you, but that you really believe in what I said and they have to deal with their own feelings about it. OR you say “I guess you’d like me to change what I just said” and, as Bianca puts it, “the act of labelling it will help keep you in touch with your own thinking and behaviour.
Bianca goes through other strategies, such as thanking people for their feedback, actively seeking approval, which involves selecting someone that’s certain to disagree with you and continue in the face of disapproval, reassure yourself and your belief and then continue.
You can also practice ignoring disapproval. You can break the chain that connects your own self-worth to other people, and, finally, you can ask yourself whether someone’s approval is really with it; if you’d be better off if they agreed with you. [Hint: the answer is no]
You should also accept the fact that many people will never understand you.
Homework
For this week’s homework, Bianca has asked us to take notice of whose approval we’re seeking and how we feel when we don’t get it. Then she wants us to think of something that we didn’t do due to our fear of disapproval. Then she asks us to make a list of things we’re doing that we don’t want to and why we continue to do things.
Going forward, we will be having our accountability meeting on Sunday to make sure that everybody is on track, before moving onto next week’s topic of building relationships.
If you enjoyed this article on approval seeking and you’d like to join us on our purposeful living program, get hold of Bianca at [email protected] or send her a message on Twitter (@BiancavanWyk16).
